Off into the to start a new life...let's see what this thing called "freedom" is all about.

the latest >>
looking back >>
friends >>
info >>
< previous 20


Tales from my
Blogger days.

dec nov oct sept
aug june may april
mar feb jan  
oct sept aug
Looking for my poetry? >>
pics of me Donna took >>
Contact me >>

in which I'm a sentimental schmuck and a freak all at once. 
  08:55am | sep.17.09  
  sometimes when I'm playing with the kittens and they're all hyped up on adrenaline and running around out of their minds, I get this warm little glow and imagine how fast their little hearts must be beating.

only, I'm in a unique position to actually be able to *picture* their little hearts. I kind of love cat hearts. they're the perfect size of small and somehow, they're *adorable*. yes, I'm referring to the actual bloody organ. it's *adorable*.

I'm such a freak, dude. my affection for them is inextricably linked with a mental image of their tiny hearts nestled between their lungs, wrapped up in mediastinum.

yeah, I didn't stop being a medical geek the day I dropped out of vet school. it's just, you know, a hobby now instead of a vocation :)
 Read 4 - Post
in which MSNBC was desperate to be The Daily Show for just 5 minutes... 
  04:40pm | apr.15.09  
  I can't believe this guy kept a straight face for all of this. I...dude, there are not WORDS for how hard the conservative movement's public image is flailing since Obama won. it's like watching fish try to fuck on dry land.

this is. it's. beautiful. it before it gets yanked off youtube for copywrite infringement. :)

 Read 9 - Post
it all makes so much SENSE now. 
  02:39pm | sep.30.08  
  so we watched this video today on the development of anesthetics.

now I have always wondered WHY we persist with this system that keeps med students awake and making life or death decisions for days on end with no sleep. I mean, we now KNOW that sleep deprivation is pretty much the same, physiologically, as drug use, and you can lose your license for that. I only wonder about it more when I talk to my friends who are going into human medicine and they say things like, I nodded off 3 times today when I was assisting in surgery.


I'm never going to a teaching hospital again.

so here's the thing that links the two. and I am a little surprised that I didn't connect these dots earlier, because I knew all this.

Cocaine was a very common anesthetic/analgesic in the early days. we really didn't have any anesthetics before the 1840s, and after we moved past knocking people out with ether and chloroform to wanting to do local or regional anesthetic, cocaine was the active ingredient of choice.

and you know, with the advent of injectibles, doctors discovered that if they mainlined coke, they could stay awake for days on end. it was FABULOUS. they could get SO MUCH DONE. and they felt like god. as you do.

the birth of the modern *scientific* medical profession...when med schools were being developed and the institution as we know it was being created, originated at a time when all doctors were high on coke.


Dear AMA. my doctors are not legally allowed to be on cocaine now, so plz to be changing your expectations. I prefer my brain surgeons well-rested.
 Read 1 - Post
  09:39am | jul.21.08  
  I just got back last night from a week-long jaunt in NC. I went out for a wedding and extended the stay to see everyone I hadn't seen in a few years. I had a wonnnnderful time. I should actually make a post about the trip at some point because god knows my brain is like swiss cheese and if I don't note it down here, I'll forget it ever happened. but first:

I'm apparently exceedingly lucky my cat didn't kill himself out of boredom while I was gone. I knew Seeley was Speshul, I just apparently wasn't aware how much so.

I passed out pretty much as soon as I got home last night, on the couch. after twelve hours of driving and flying, I didn't even make it up to bed. at one in the morning, I woke up to what sounded like a freight train going through my apartment. discovering that your chubby cat has shoved himself somehow, for some reason, through the handle-hole of a plastic grocery bag he found god-knows-where and is now stuck, panicking, and in pain, streaking through the apartment, bag rustling madly behind him, as he trips and falls down the stairs?

that'll wake you up *and* put hair on your chest.

he was gone again before I was even fully conscious, up the stairs and somewhere dark and safe. I eventually found him in my closet. also? he shat himself in fear. also? he scared the holy hell out of irving, who was running around like a headless chicken in sympathy. so first I had to discern that there was nothing actually wrong with *him*.

jesus. h. christ.

I'm really lucky that despite my cats' feral origins, they won't actually strike out at humans, even when they're really freaked. I was able to hold him down and rip the plastic with my hands while he growled and hissed but held perfectly still.

gah. good kitty. dumb kitty. *flail*
 Read 1 - Post
I'm college educated. 
  12:51pm | jul.06.08  
  so I'm on my way up to work to get some stuff done before my boss returns from vacation tomorrow, and I hear this local radio ad. for a furniture sale. and I'm confused, because the ad opens with:

"Hello, I'm Warren Buffet."

and when I *realize* it's a local furniture store ad, I'm all confused. I'm all, when did Warren Buffet start doing radio spokesmanship? and, damn, that must be a good sale, because Warren Buffet is a tight-fisted sonuvabitch. and also, he doesn't sound as old as the hills like I'd expected. (if I ever, you know, sat around and thought about what Warren Buffet might sound like).

and that's when I realized. it's *a* Warren Buffet.

not THE Warren Buffet.


god, man, I'm dense. because yes, Warren Buffet needed the extra cash from celebrity product plugs. he blew his billions already on hookers and cocaine.
 Read 1 - Post
so, here's a fun fact about me 
  08:56am | jun.18.08  
  I apparently really am happiest when I'm closing myself into a small space with something that might kill me, every day. this time it's ostriches. and the occasional 12-point buck. there's also a llama, but the worst Jethro's gonna do is spit on me, so. I think I can survive that.

which is to say I'm supplementing my comfy paying lab/office job by working slave labor out at the Wildlife We Can Farm center.

by the end of June, I'll be feeding baby deer. I suppose they can't kill me, except WITH THE CUTENESS.

somehow building pharmacology websites just wasn't giving me the same adrenaline rush, haha. (building websites, you say? aren't you the wrong Bilgic for that job? yes. yes, I am). life will get slightly more exciting once the actual research projects she's involved in get off the ground. then I'll be making friends with Buttons-the-celibate-oreo-munching-boar (I know, I know, it's always about sex with me. but this time, I will not be touching him inappropriately, I promise), and manhandling fluffy yellow chicks that are infected with E coli and Campylobacter.

so I suppose *they* could kill me, if I licked them.

I know you wish you were me. you're soooooo jealous. the life I live, it's glamorous.
 Read 2 - Post
it's official 
  05:06pm | jun.03.08  
  summer is here. the other thing that's official is that 4 years in NC and one year in Mass. were enough to turn me into a total and complete pussy. I got home with my groceries and I thought about crawling inside the fridge.

the worst part is, I *know* in my heart of Texan hearts that it's not even hot yet. last year was ironically easier because I was working *outside*. the heat snuck up on me, whereas now I step outside the office and get clobbered with it.

oh, also. hi! see, I didn't lose my password to this thing. ha.
 Read 2 - Post
republicans, prove me wrong 
  07:15am | jan.08.08  
  it's way to early to tell yet, but if I could get John McCain in the white house and a democratic congress (with a real majority, not the skin of our teeth), I would be a happy, happy girl.

course, the congress part's wishful thinking, considering they've pissed off their base. I wish we would grow a pair. seriously.

also, hi! haha. long time no see. I started school yesterday. guess who's good at school again? \o/
 Read 4 - Post
you know you've had a good day climbing when 
  04:11pm | sep.08.07  
  shampooing is painful. my arms hurt so goddamn bad.

Angie, I've found the motherload. I swear to god it's the same kind of crowd and atmosphere we had in nola. exactly.the.same. and they're all so pretty. bethany was like, I shouldn't stare, and I was like, it's perfectly fine. stare. hee! it makes me miss you.
 Read 3 - Post
  01:08pm | aug.19.07  

if anyone should breed in duplicate, it's yall :D
 Read 3 - Post
the gila monsters meet you at the airport 
  08:27pm | apr.09.07  
  I used to love that kids book. anyway, life at the zooCollapse )  
 Read 5 - Post
my own brand of valentine's love :) 
  12:00pm | feb.14.07  
  you have to watch all the way to the sleepy, sleepy yawn.

Just a Little Guy: a lot of cuteness, and a lot of snark

some lovey quotageCollapse )
 Read 2 - Post
even the food knows it. 
  01:04pm | feb.07.07  
  thanks so much to everyone for all the love and support on the last post. I've got the best friends ever :) to the Austinites, I might be coming into town soon because I've decided to chop all my hair back off. I'll let you know when that's happening when I make an appointment.

a third of my stuff already moved to Houston. gotta shuttle another third over there sometime this week, and then the rest will go with me to San Antonio. ps, Dre and Leigh--my sister wants her dresser back, so when we come through with the U-Haul is it ok if we leave that for them in your garage?

I went out to dinner and a movie with two of the girls from school. they wanted to take me out before I left (which is ironic considering they never showed any interest in doing any of the things I suggested before, but that's a tale for another day). we went out for Chinese, and their fortune cookies both spouted platitudes about clawing their way up the ladder of success and good things requiring hard work, yadda yadda.

my cookie?

your life is a dashing and bold adventure.

I shit you not. only fortune I've ever been tempted to frame. I just might.
 Read 3 - Post
officially a quitter 
  03:28pm | feb.02.07  
  well, maybe not a quitter, so much as...a pauser. I am officially a pauser. doesn't have the same ring.

so I told you folks a while ago that I was being treated for depression. fact was, things weren't really getting any better. Wellbutrin had(has) me getting out of bed in the morning, but the short story is, the pressure of vet school is just too much for me right now. months of crying and Not Being All I Can Be. I pulled half of my grades up to a B, which I'm pretty proud of given the circumstances, but firstly, a 2.7 won't hack it for the type of career that I want (no, really), and secondly, I was miserable and I really wasn't learning anything. I feel like I don't even recognize myself these days. I don't...scrape by with bare minimum (and sometimes less) effort. and honestly, most days I felt like I was ready to gnaw my own leg off to get out of there.

plus, I hate it here. I'm going to look into transferring elsewhere.

in the meantime, the administration has granted me a leave of absence. I'm free to do what I want until January '08, at which time I'm welcome back to jump into the curriculum where I left off. I'm happy about this. I think it's a good decision for me. plan is to move into Payal's spare room in San Antonio...which I think will be good for me for a lot of reasons. she's such a motivating, supportive force in my life. I'm so lucky to have a friend that when I said, "I'm drowning," she said, "how soon can you move in." the official wheels are turning to get me situated in an internship at the San Antonio Zoo 15 hours a week. I met with the coordinator last weekend, and now it's a matter of getting all the pieces for my official application in. trying to figure out the money thing. my mom suggested trying to hire myself out as a tutor at UTSA, which...yeah, I can see tutoring biology or a freshman-level class like that. easily. and it's the kind of thing I've always enjoyed and excelled at, teaching people that type of thing.

plus, I need to finish this damn master's project. I talked to the guy in charge of that part of the program today, very nervous because he's a no-bullshit kind of guy, and he was overwhelmingly nice about it. I mean, he's a nice guy period, but...supportive. he's even writing me a rec letter for the internship.

so that tides me over till June. after June, who knows. we'll pretend the world is my oyster :) flex those optimism muscles which have been sorely atrophied of late.

now, to distract you from my woes and drama, I present to you...
cute baby hedgehogs!Collapse )
 Read 10 - Post
  07:24pm | jan.13.07  
  I hate to say it, but I might have to wait and see what the weather is like tomorrow re: my trip to Austin. I'm hearing words like freezing rain and ice on the roads sunday *and* monday, and texans don't know how to drive in that shit. I really don't want my car wrecked essentially right after I got it in working order :/

Ang, I'll call you and let you know what's up one direction or the other. I'll be coming soon, regardless. this might just not be our weekend.
 Read 5 - Post
  02:46pm | jan.11.07  
  hey guys. I'm thinking about coming into Austin this weekend. most likely it would be Sunday/Monday. I haven't seen yall in a long time, and I miss you. plans? suggestions? bad timing? if sometime else during the weekend would be better let me know, but in that case I'll have to find another place to stay.

anyway, I'd love to just hang out. reply back or gimme a call :)
 Read 1 - Post
  08:10pm | jan.02.07  
  hey, guys. I know I haven't been very present on this journal at all the last few months. I miss all of you, and I'm going to try to be better about it...I just haven't had all that much to say.

unfortunately, now that I have something to say, it isn't something particularly joyful.

I just found out today that one of my adjunct faculty for my masters program passed on at the beginning of December. it's no surprise, and in a lot of ways, it's a mercy. he had colon cancer that spread widely before it was ever even caught, and by the time I met him, he was no longer receiving treatment...he was basically just waiting to die, and he was in a lot of pain. but you wouldn't guess it by talking to him, you know? he was an incredible man, a fantastic teacher. a *born* teacher and it was one of his passions. he was also brilliant...he was a political science prof at MIT and the two biggest focuses of his career were Russian politics and environmental policy. he was an advisor to Bush 1 on soviet politics. he was funny. man, he was funny. he was...anyway, there's a really great article on his life and his passing here, if anyone is interested.

he devoted a lot of energy at the end of his life to finishing his last book on the prognosis for the environment and what he thought our next moves should be. even after his arms became paralyzed, he was still working on it. I haven't read it yet, but he was very readable in everything else I've read by him, and even where I disagreed with him, I agreed with him. I know that doesn't make any sense. but to any of you who are interested in conservation, you might want to think about it. it's called End of the Wild. or if you prefer, I can let you know again after I've read it, so I can give you a better idea whether I recommend it.

he was one of my favorite people I met last year. I had, have so much respect for who he was and what he believed. anyway, I was really sad to hear it, even though I think he's better off.
 Read 1 - Post
I'm going to skin me a geek. 
  07:58am | oct.20.06  
  so right around when I went to bed last night...midnightish...loud, bass music started, loud enough to feel. but it was Thursday night and the undergrads like to have parties and truthfully I can sleep through an air raid, so I was like, whatever, and passed out. just because I'm old and lame doesn't mean I need to piss in their cheerios. I thought it was odd that they were playing *techno*, but whatever floats your boat.

all night long, I dreamed I was dancing in a gay club with my friend Aaron.

this morning at 7:30, I woke up, and behold, the techno thump-thump. louder, even. shaking my bathroom wall. and it sounded like the same song. that's odd, I thought. and then it dawned on me...some little shits have been playing DDR all night. all night, cranked up loud enough for me to FEEL from my bed. don't you geeks SLEEP? I didn't know people still played DDR, although I guess it's just that my own friends eventually grew out of it when they and stuff. I can't figure out where it's coming from, which is probably better for their health.
 Read 1 - Post
  10:08pm | oct.19.06  
  an open letter to whatever fuckwit has been robbing convenience stores in *College Station*:

it's a small place filled with mostly-law-abiding honkies. there are a limited number of convenience stores, as there are really only 4 roads, and 4 roads can only contain so many street corners. ergo, you are going to be caught eventually. one might go so far as to say: soon.

I would advise you to invest your profit margin in a bus ticket and relocate your operation to Houston. I hear they are far more tolerant of such chicanery there. Might I suggest Mission Bend--I recall that it's lovely for criminal activity this time of year.


this only goes towards proving that people really are stupider than average in this town.
 Read 1 - Post
  02:50pm | oct.13.06  
  hey guys, something more specific--I'll be coming back through Austin on the way home on Saturday, probably around 2. Chris wants to make it back before the game, and I should hit the books again Sunday. if nobody gets in touch with me about hanging out, I'll probably just blow on through, so gimme a call if you want to hang out. you know I'd love to see you! email me if you need my cell number.  
< previous 20